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I finally got around to seeing Rabbit Hole, which just came out on DVD in April.  It stars Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart, who portray a couple that has lost their young son to a tragic accident.    The teaser from Rotten Tomatoes says it "is a vivid, hopeful, honest and unexpectedly witty portrait of a family searching for what remains possible in the most impossible of all situations"  Simple translation: This is a movie about grieving.

The couple deals with their grief in two totally different ways. Becca (Kidman) seems to want to erase everything that reminds her of her son and rarely shows emotion. In one scene her husband Howie (Eckhart) confronts her about this, "You're trying to get rid of him.......You have to stop erasing him. You have to stop it!"  To which she answers "Do you really think that I don't see him every second of every day?.........It feels like maybe I don't feel badly enough for you. Maybe I'm not feeling enough. What do you want from me?"

Howie has several angry outbursts in the movie, which seem to be part of his grieving process. He also strikes up a friendship with a woman from his grief group, played by Sandra Oh.

The grief group has some stereotypic characters, including another couple who has spiritualized the loss of their own child. Becca's confrontation of this made me smile.  The couple shares that the reason their daughter died was because God "needed another Angel"  to which Becca pipes up, "Why didn't He just make one?... I mean He's God after all?!?  Why didn't He just make another Angel?"

Interestingly we learn that Becca's brother died years prior, so Becca's mother Nat(Dianne Wiest) has great potential to be of comfort, if Becca would allow her to be. Finally towards the end, Becca connects with her mom and their exchange is one of my favorite moments of the movie. I love how Nat describes grief.

Becca: Does it ever go away?

Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't, and that's goin' on eleven years. It changes, though.

Becca: How?

Nat: I don't know....the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable.It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and...carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be awful- But not all the time. It's kinda...not that you like it exactly, but its' what you have instead of your son, so you don't wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn't go away, which is...."

Becca: What?

Nat: Fine...actually.

Overall, I thought this was a good movie about grief. The characters do heal during the movie, which is always nice to find your characters growing. I also enjoyed the sub context looking at the question of where one finds comfort in grief. This was mentioned and explored outwardly in many ways, from looking to religion, to other relationships, and even to parallel universes.

If you haven't seen it, check it out and do let us know what you think.

Also, here's the trailer if you want to get a feel for the movie visually.

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On May 4th 2011, Derek Miller, writer/editor/blogger, posted his last post on his blog. Miller had been blogging since 2000 on the website penmachine.com. In 2007, he was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer and he often blogged about his cancer and treatment.

In a post entitled "The endgame", in November 2010, Miller writes about the discussing his prognosis with his physician:

It's good that Thursday, November 25, wasn't Thanksgiving Day in Canada (it was in the U.S.), because that's when I found out. Doctors are notoriously reluctant to predict life expectancy, and for good reason—they're often wrong. But, with my wife Air in the exam room at the B.C. Cancer Agency with me, I drew it out of my oncologist, Dr. Kennecke.

"Do you expect I'll still be alive to visit you here in two years?" I asked, straight up.

"Honestly, no," he said.

There was more to it, of course, but that was the moment. It was no surprise.

He ends the post "I'm not ready to die just yet, but I'm ready to prepare for it. Off we go."

Miller died on May 3rd, 2011. He wrote his last post before he died and had friends post "The last post" on May 4th. It begins "Here it is. I'm dead, and this is my last post to my blog."

It's a sweet but sad read. Miller talks about his wife and two daughters, his experience dying, his views on the afterlife. Miller is a very talented writer and I'm sure this last post will be cherished by his family. What is sad is that the comments on the post really focused on Miller's views of the afterlife (he doesn't believe in one) rather than his beautiful last message to the one's he loved.

The world, indeed the whole universe, is a beautiful, astonishing, wondrous place. There is always more to find out. I don't look back and regret anything, and I hope my family can find a way to do the same.

What is true is that I loved them. Lauren and Marina, as you mature and become yourselves over the years, know that I loved you and did my best to be a good father.

Airdrie, you were my best friend and my closest connection. I don't know what we'd have been like without each other, but I think the world would be a poorer place. I loved you deeply, I loved you, I loved you, I loved you.

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We've discussed some of the more unique ways people are being buried these days, like custom coffins or eco-friendly burials.  I am waiting for the recumbent effigy to regain popularity as well.

An effigy is traditionally known as a representation of a person, and as a form of funerary art, first began appearing in the 7th century BC. It was the Etruscan Civilization of northern Italy that really excelled in portraying humans and this art evolved from just a representation of a human head, to entire figures placed on the lid of the sarcophagus.  This picture on the right is taken from the Louvre. It is entitled "Sarcophagus of the Spouses" from 520-510 BC. The detail of clothing and jewelry from a time thousands of years ago is astounding, but so too is the contemporary way this person was honored in death.

This art form re-emerged in the 12th century, and by the 14th century the effigies began to include hands clasped together in prayer. I find this fact interesting, considering that it was in 1415 that the Ars Moriendi text appeared as a directive from the church on how to die well, focusing on prayer for traits of faith, hope, patience, humility and generosity.

A slight variation on the recumbent effigy was seen in the later Middle Ages, depicting the effigy in the form of a decomposing corpse.  Often called "transi" or "corpse tombs", the purpose was to remind the living that the "good" life was indeed temporary.  These funerary monuments often were in double-decker style, with the proper effigy on top, in robes and crowns, and the rotting corpse statue below.  This picture from Fyfield in Berkshire is from Sir John Golafre who died in 1442.

As the centuries progressed more effigies were done in life like poses, often the deceased depicted reading a book, at a banquet and often depicted in younger days.  This example on the right,contained in Paris at the Louvre, is a classic example of this, as the woman appears quite comfortable reading her book with her dog near by.  Notice though, the "Transi" here, with the naked decaying relief showing an older woman below the effigy.

The most recent recumbent effigies I found were of Herbert Kitchner (1850-1916), pictured to the left, which is housed at St. Paul's Cathedral in London and that of Sun Yat-sen (1866-1925) in Nanjing, China.

So, has this funerary art form that has existed for thousands of years finally died off?  Or should we consider the embalming and preservation of such icons as Mao Tse Tung and Vladimir Lenin as modern day variations?  Perhaps even postmortem photography could be considered a branch? Or what of the technique of  plastination... there are plenty of rumors swirling about Zsa Zsa Gabor and Michael Jackson's bodies being plastinated.  If so, this permanent effigy just may be the 21st century's answer to recumbent effigies.

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I've been looking for a good blues song to post. I found it in an unusual place. The White Stripes (a rock group) do a cover of the song "Death Letter" (also called "Death Letter Blues". This song was originally performed by American blues singer Eddie James "Son" House. (Apparently House greatly influenced their music and they dedicated their first album to him.)

"Death Letter" is a song about a man who receives a letter that his love has died. He doesn't realize how much he loves her until he sees her being . He goes home grief stricken and missing his love. He then decides he needs to change his way of living so he "don't have to cry no more." I think the death, grief and regret aspects do well sung to the blues.

Interestingly, I found several different lyrics for this song. The ones below don't completely match the song performed below. Apparently House would often change the tempo and lyrics of his songs and would even perform the same song more than once in the same concert. The lyrics are apparently a long version of the song. If you are interested in hearing The White Stripes version, there is a video here which is quite good depending on what you like.





I got a letter this mornin how do you reckon it read?
It said Hurry, hurry, yeah, your love is dead
I got a letter this mornin I say how do you reckon it read?
You know it said Hurry, hurry, how come the gal you love is dead?
So I grabbed up my suitcase and took off down the road
When I got there she was layin on a coolin' board
I grabbed up my suitcase and I said and I took off down the road
I said but when I got there she was already layin on a coolin' board
Well I walked up right close looked down in her face
Said the good ol' gal got to lay here 'til the Judgment Day
I walked up right close and I said I looked down in her face
I said the good ol' gal she got to lay here 'til the Judgment Day
Looked like there was 10 000 people standin' round the buryin' ground
I didn't know I loved her 'til they laid her down
Looked like 10 000 were standin' round the buryin' ground
You know I didn't know I loved her 'til they damn laid her down
Lord have mercy on my wicked soul
I wouldn't mistreat you baby for my weight in gold
I said Lord have mercy on my wicked soul
You know I wouldn't mistreat nobody baby not for my weight in gold
Well I folded up my arms and I slowly walked away
I said Farewell honey, I'll see you on Judgment Day
Ah yeah oh yes I slowly walked away
I said Farewell, farewell, I'll see you on the Judgment Day
You know I went in my room I bowed down to pray
The blues came along and drove my spirit away
I went in my room I said I bowed down to pray
I said the blues came along and drove my spirit away
You know I didn't feel so bad 'til the good ol' sun went down
I didn't have a soul to throw my arms around
I didn't feel so bad 'til the good ol' sun went down
You know I didn't have nobody to throw my arms around
I loved you baby like I love myself
You don't have me you won't have nobody else
I loved you baby better than I did myself
I said now if you don't have me I didn't want you to have nobody else
You know it's hard to love someone that don't love you
Ain't no satisfaction don't care what in the world you do
Yeah it's hard to love someone that don't love you
You know it don't look like satisfaction don't care what in the world you do
Got up this mornin' just about the break of day
A-huggin' the pillow where she used to lay
Got up this mornin' just about the break of day
A-huggin' the pillow where my good gal used to lay
Got up this mornin' feelin' round for my shoes
You know I must-a had them old walkin' blues
Got up this mornin' feelin' round for my shoes
Yeah you know bout that I must-a had them old walkin' blues
You know I cried last night and all the night before
Gotta change my way a livin' so I don't have to cry no more
You know I cried last night and all the night before
Gotta change my way a livin' you see so I don't have to cry no more
Ah hush thought I heard her call my name
If it wasn't so loud and so nice and plain
Ah yeah
Mmmmmm
Well listen whatever you do
This is one thing honey I tried to get along with you
Yes no tellin' what you do
I done everything I could just to try and get along with you
Well the minutes seemed like hours hours they seemed like days
It seemed like my good old gal outta done stopped her low-down ways
Minutes seemed like hours hours they seemed like days
Seems like my good old gal outta done stopped her low-down ways
You know love's a hard ol' fall make you do things you don't wanna do
Love sometimes leaves you feeling sad and blue
You know love's a hard ol' fall make you do things you don't wanna do
Love sometimes make you feel sad and blue